Your resident 'man on the sofa' David Wild has often been referred to as 'one of our writers' and 'a nice young man'.
A keen analyst of both trivial, humourous and tactical aspects of the beautiful game, David has honed those skills of argument and insight that only the bosom of Boundary Park, mispent time in the pub and half a philosophy degree can bestow upon a man.
An English and Philosophy Graduate of Leeds University 2012, David tweets, almost daily, nonsensical ramblings here
Despite his limitations, TFN’s David Wild reckons Darren Bent is well deserving of a second chance…
“There are not many young English players who have the pedigree and finishing class that Darren has shown over a number of years in the Premier League. In the League, only Wayne Rooney and Didier Drogba have scored more goals in the last five years than his 81 goals.” – Gerard Houllier,
The story of Darren Bent is one that mirrors the changes in the fabric of the English game. Gerard Houlliers description of him here came in 2011 when Bent was 27, at the peak of his powers.
Such a goal scoring record, in line with the main front men at the two clubs competing for the Premier League title, should surely have made the striker a commodity hungered after by all of the top clubs in England, if not Europe. Instead at the time he was being transferred from Sunderland in 6th to Aston Villa in 17th in the Premier League Continue reading →
David Wild invites you to enter the world of Reality Football…
Have you ever wondered what it would look like if Robert Huth took his family out for a day at Wacky Warehouse? How you’d feel if you saw Per Mertesacker enter a room and then forget why he’d just come in? Or what would run through your mind if you saw Emmanuel Adebayor running for a bus but just missing it?
In a new segment The False Nine explores the (completely hypothetical) possibilities of what could happen if footballers were released from their ivory towered isolation and set loose upon the real world. Welcome to Reality Football.
Situation – Three men meet just off the coast of Newcastle and set off on a morning fishing trip.
The Cast: Mark Lawrenson, Joe Kinnear. Paul Gascoigne.
Many years later, as he faced the firing squad at the BBC performance evaluation panel, Mark Lawrenson was to remember that distant afternoon when his friends took him on that fateful fishing trip.
It was a cold spring morning on Tyneside where three huddled shapes met on the beach, preparing their boat for a day’s fishing. Joe and Paul could hardly contain their excitement. Mark could. Continue reading →
The Hypothetical XI series returns as David Wild looks at expensive transfers which became glorified loan moves…
Football likes to reflect our social habits in a microcosm. Maybe it was that particuarly jazzy t-shirt you thought you’d buy one breezy summer’s day. Maybe it was that Guitar you bought, promising yourself that you’d know more than Purple Rain by next month. Or maybe it was that revolutionary shiatsu massage machine you got for yourself thinking it was the thing that was going to change your life forever.
The common theme running throughout all of these purchases is that we spent a lot of money, expected a great deal, and were left empty, disappointed and unfulfilled. Eventually all too soon we cast aside the objects of our desires. Out of disinterest, out of embarassment out of disgust. Feelings of deep regret prevented us from looking at them; sometimes we’d even just forgotten they were there.
Suitably football has seen to recreate this phenomenon in its own way. Year on year we’re greeted with the big signings who are seen by executives, managers and fans as the best thing since sliced bread. Year on year we see them inexplicably skirt around the fringes of the club before being swiftly ushered out of the door again. Essentially they may as well not have been owned by the club they were there for that short a time; they become football’s tribute to Wonga, an incredibly expensive loan. Here are some of the best: Continue reading →
After the colossal mis-match that was Spain 10-0 Tahiti, David Wild pays tribute to the Pacific Islanders who gave their all…
“Boldly they rode and well, Into the jaws of Death, Into the mouth of Hell, Rode the six hundred.”– Alfred, Lord Tennyson
One of football’s most timeless and appealing virtues is its egalitarian nature; its ability to give the underdog their own glorious day in the sun. USA 1-0 England World cup 1950. Wimbledon’s 1988 FA cup final victory, North Korea’s glorious late consolation against Brazil in World Cup 2010. To the delight of fans worldwide history is replete with the unexpected upsetting of the odds.
Last night in the Confederations Cup the World Cup winners and European champions Spain, their sparkling contingent laden with universal honours, accolades and a perception of true sporting greatness lining up against a team with one professional player, and of whom nine are technically unemployed; Tahiti. Continue reading →
As Gareth Bale develops his iconic celebration into a brand, David Wild discusses the evolution of footballers and image rights…
The image has become synonymous with perhaps the Premier League’s current best player. Now Gareth Bale has bound his infamous heart celebration even closer to him and ‘Brand Bale’ by trade marking his own ‘Eleven of Hearts’ logo and factoring it into his image rights. We’ll give him the benefit of the doubt for now and say that he didn’t notice that the negative space in the picture makes it look like Bale’s hands are gently clasping two small testicles (Thanks to my friend Pat McKenna for pointing this out.)
The Tottenham midfielder is applying for use of the logo on clothing, jewellery, headgear, and of course, being a footballer, footwear. According to the IPO website, he has also applied to use the logo on “animal skins, hides; trunks and travelling bags; umbrellas, parasols and walking sticks; whips, harness and saddlery.” Quite the range. Continue reading →
As the third series of Game of Thrones draws to a close, James Dutton and David Wild imagine the parallels between the worlds of Westeros and the Premier League…
As the Premier League continues to enthral millions across the world, so HBO’s serialisation of George R. R. Martin’s ‘A Song of Ice and Fire’ has captivated a loyal, steadfast and ever-growing audience. Here, The False Nine draws analogies between the two worlds; from the intimidating Britannia Stadium to the formidable Iron Islands, no stone is left unturned. Who will win in the Premier League Game of Thrones?
With the real possibility of a 3rd place play-off looming over the final day of the Premier League season, David Wild compares the potential venues beyond the FA’s grey, white arched elephant…
The sun rises, glinting in the sky like a ball of chipped topaz as the shadows cast by two twin towers gently sprawl across the fresh cut grass. A nation’s anticipation builds to a crescendo as football’s answer to Christmas morning caresses the masses into a frenzy of excitement. Cup final day at Wembley.
Or so it once was. Wembley was once the preserve of FA cup finals, the venue for heady, intoxicating European trophy deciders and a treasured haven for the national team. Now it plays host to such illustrious games as Wigan V Millwall in the FA cup semi final and could soon see a third place Champions League playoff between Arsenal and Chelsea.
To pay off the massive £798m behemoth the FA entered into a devil’s pact. We would see an increased number of games played in the reincarnation of one of football’s biggest stadiums to recoup its cost. The price of this is that we here at The False Nine now feel that there is something of an over saturation of Wembley football. Continue reading →