Reality Football – Lawro, Gazza and Joe Kinnear Go Fishing

Three Men In A Boat

David Wild invites you to enter the world of Reality Football…

Have you ever wondered what it would look like if Robert Huth took his family out for a day at Wacky Warehouse? How you’d feel if you saw Per Mertesacker enter a room and then forget why he’d just come in? Or what would run through your mind if you saw Emmanuel Adebayor running for a bus but just missing it?

In a new segment The False Nine explores the (completely hypothetical) possibilities of what could happen if footballers were released from their ivory towered isolation and set loose upon the real world. Welcome to Reality Football.

Situation – Three men meet just off the coast of Newcastle and set off on a morning fishing trip.

The Cast: Mark Lawrenson, Joe Kinnear. Paul Gascoigne.

Many years later, as he faced the firing squad at the BBC performance evaluation panel, Mark Lawrenson was to remember that distant afternoon when his friends took him on that fateful fishing trip.

It was a cold spring morning on Tyneside where three huddled shapes met on the beach, preparing their boat for a day’s fishing. Joe and Paul could hardly contain their excitement. Mark could. Continue reading

The Death of Colin Murray

Match_of_the_Day_2_2458340b

The False Nine debutant, David Wild, opines on the gradual decline of Match of the Day…

Like any promising youngster making his debut I’ll start with a healthy note of caution. I haven’t written for The False Nine before and so I don’t have a loyal fan base to rely on. Instead I’m relying on a John Sheridan “do the simple things well” attitude whilst praying for the appearance of a flash of brilliance a la Tony Yeboah.

My chosen subject for this article is the puerile and inane jabbering that infects the BBC institution Match of The Day. Don’t get me wrong I love MOTD but I can’t stand anything of the generic matey banter that oozes out, loosely classed as ‘punditry’. The commentary is about as interesting as that on my Lesbian Vampire Killers DVD. How I regret buying that DVD. Continue reading