Premier League Gameweek 31: 5 things that (may or may not have) happened

Joe Devine returns with his weekly look at things that may or may not have happened in the Premier League…

John Carver Wins ‘Biggest Fan’ Competition

It’s been a great week for Newcastle manager John Carver. Not only did he get to wake up as Newcastle manager every day, but on Sunday, he won a competition held by the club to discover the world’s biggest Toon fan. First prize was lunch with Mike Ashley, which Carver was reportedly thrilled about, as he’d been trying to get a meeting with Ashley since taking the job. This is the second competition John Carver has won this year, the first being the one he entered to become Newcastle manager. 

Tim Sherwood Maintains 100% Record Against Man United

After Saturday’s game at Old Trafford, Tim Sherwood told reporters that he was pleased to have maintained his 100% record against Manchester United, despite having lost the game. When puzzled members of the press quizzed the Aston Villa manager, Sherwood explained that the record he referred to related to a “battle of the managers” – “We might have lost on the pitch, and that’s fine, but off the pitch, between me and Louis, I won that battle. You see? I know we lost the game but in our mind battle I actually won. My tactics were correct, it’s just that it didn’t work out, BUT I am the cleverer manager, is what I’m saying. I won. Just not where you can see, but I did win. 100%. They’ll forget that though, won’t they, when the people all say I’m useless, that I’ve got a 100% record against Manchester United, they’ll forget that. My ratios are sky high. Higher than the sky. I’m 100%.”

Burnley vs. Tottenham to be Written Out of History

The Premier League have, this morning, decided to write Sunday’s clash between Burnley and Tottenham, totally out of history. The controversial decision was taken, in the early hours, by means of a vote in the Premier League offices in Central London. It is understood that delegates were motivated by the large number of e-mail complaints received soon after Sunday’s tie. Many of the messages described fans’ inability to “unsee” the events as “frightening” and in some cases “bone-chilling”. Nobody wants to remember this game, and thankfully now, nobody has to. The Premier League released a statement saying that from midnight on Monday 7th April, members of the press found to be reporting on or discussing the game, would be immediately and brutally murdered. “We just can’t take the risk that anyone will remember this in the years to come” said a shaken Richard Scudamore, “If people remember that football is sometimes boring, there’s no knowing what will happen (to all of my money).”

Raheem Sterling Worst Player Ever

On Saturday, Liverpool’s young forward Raheem Sterling was revealed as one of the worst players of all time. As Liverpool’s top 4 challenge set itself on fire at the Emirates, Raheem Sterling showed fans around the world why the club are refusing to offer him an new contract. Once hyped as “the best young player in Europe”, this week, that became the official title of Jordan Ibe, and Sterling has since become merely a disloyal and useless cunt.

La Liga Fans Applaud TV Deal

Real Madrid sailed to a 9-1 victory over opponents ‘Spanish Club Other Than Barcelona and Real Madrid’ on Sunday, whilst the universally loved star Cristiano Ronaldo scored five goals. Though some overseas criticism suggests that competition in La Liga is suffering, fans interviewed outside the Bernabeu on Sunday were happy with the state of the game. “We love goals,” a Madrid fan said, “That’s why we love the TV deal the way it is. If it wasn’t incredibly unfair, then no one would ever win 9-1, and we love it when teams win 9-1. Where’s the fun in watching a competitive game of football when you could watch one set of zealous, billionaire athletes totally annihilate a team of significantly inferior and much poorer athletes?” Where indeed. Many La Liga fans also wished to remind the “moany English” complainers that whilst in Spain they were watching a superstar score five goals, immediately afterwards in England, fans were watching Burnley vs. Tottenham.

@JM_Devine; @The_False_Nine

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