Joe Devine returns to discuss five things that may or may not have happened in the Premier League this weekend…
1. Nigel Pearson Looked After Himself
Unconfirmed reports on Saturday afternoon that Nigel Pearson was – at times – unattended over the weekend. As panic swept the nation, thousands flocked towards Leicester in what is now being described as the ‘Pearson Pilgrimage’. A spokesperson for National Rail described the event as a crisis after several trains were cancelled due to overcrowding. Witnesses described the crowds as “hoards of sensible adults” all terrified for the safety of the Leicester City boss. A new theory emerging this morning suggests that Pearson’s supposed firing was a board-organised rouse to deter worried adults from the doors of the training grounds. Nigel Pearson is scheduled to appear at a news conference on Monday at 2pm and the early word is that he will be hand-holding with another adult. The nation can relax at last. Continue reading
Joe Devine’s weekly look at the Premier League weekend that was returns once again…
1. Liverpool turn another corner
Yes, Liverpool have once more turned a corner in a bid to arrive at a destination of some kind, presumably. With more twists and turns than the labyrinth, Liverpool’s season hasn’t got off to the best start. But with their last minute goal against Arsenal, and another 1 point claimed at home, Brendan Rogers has continued in his trend of describing every Liverpool game as a “turning point”. Leading British betting sites now have Liverpool odds on to reach the Triwizard’s cup should they turn yet another corner (they will also have The False Nine up against the court for crimes against Jokesmithery if they allow another Harry Potter joke to be published on their football website. You definitely could’ve said a Minotaur).
2. Manchester United to get bail
Manchester United are set to continue their mega spending-spree in January by getting bail. Arrested for the inability to think of anything better than simple word play, Manchester United were publicly jailed earlier this month. Despite claims that a lowly, comically desperate writer could be the culprit, the club took the blame and will be paying £90m for bail before their hearing in May. Making a statement earlier this week, the club said “it’s hard when not much happens”. It is likely that this case will be escalated to a European court as of next year. Continue reading
As part of his new weekly column, Joe Devine looks back at the things that (may or may not have) happened in the latest Premier League gameweek…
1. Manchester United Tactics Uncovered
Commentators, pundits and fans have been pulling their hair out this season, openly confused about the tactics being employed by Louis Van Gaal at Manchester United. Conference rooms have emptied to the word “philosophy” and Dutch football writer Elko Born very nearly drowned last week under a hail of frantic questioning. This weekend, however, it seems like the English are finally beginning to catch on, as Manchester United easily saw off Liverpool in what proved to be their most open-book tactical game yet this season. In a daring and adventurous ploy, Louis Van Gaal has instructed his United team to allow the opposition teams numerous opportunities on goal. “Mo time, mo mistake” as Van Gaal is calling it, is potentially the most daring of tactics used in the Premier League since Kenny Dalglish tried to field only 7 players with his Newcastle side in 1997. The theory relies heavily on the assumption that players with too much time to decide will then make mistakes, and as you can see – it’s been working rather well. In United’s games against Arsenal, Southampton and Liverpool, the opposition teams have had immeasurable numbers of chances, and somehow managed to still lose the games. Lucky? Not Van Gaal – he’s just clever.
2. Leicester Accidentally Fire D.O.F
In what some critics are calling “super fucking embarrassing”, Leicester City have accidentally fired their director of football Terry Robinson. Word came down from King and Queen Power late Saturday evening that Nigel Pearson’s head was for the chop, but in an apparent mix up – in which the words “knock off the big man” were uttered – executives of the club proceeded to the office of grotesquely overweight D.O.F Terry Robinson instead. This comes as a double blow for the foxes, as Terry Robinson is the only one who knows what day the rubbish goes out at the King Power stadium, and is refusing to reliquish the information. Lucky? Yes, Nigel Pearson is lucky. Continue reading
Joe Devine looks back at the Premier League matchweek that was…
1. Brendan Rodgers lost grip on reality
Sadly for Liverpool fans, it seems that paragon Brendan Rodgers finally lost his grip on reality. A giddy mess at the end of last season, Rodgers’ “couldn’t believe his luck” attitude quickly evaporated as the team got off to a bad start in the 2014/15 season. With an ever increasing run of bad results, Rodgers’ traditional gritty realism has been replaced with a dejected, fancicful spool. Most recently Rogers began discussing folklore at a press conference then reportedly ran off into the woods and hasn’t been seen since. Fingers crossed he gets back in time for Sunday’s United game, as it looks like they’ll be needing all kinds of fairytale luck to get anything from that.
2. Man City opened new ‘Bond villain’ complex
Billed as a ‘training complex’, Manchester City owner Sheik Mansour this week opened the club’s new ‘Bond Villain’ like headquarters in Manchester. Built on a site previously housing a chemical plant, the complex includes a state of the art armoury, a handful of wild sharks and a whole office dedicated to skirting financial fair play rules. Alongside a number of useful facilities, the first team players also have access to a new simulator designed to aid their bid for better contracts. The bill for this centre came to £200m, but it’s already paying dividends. Manchester City Council haven’t been this happy John Lennon died. Continue reading
James Dutton looks at Sam Allardyce’s return to form and the struggle of other Premier League managers to adapt…
“There are two types of coaches. There’s coaches like me who weigh up the opposition and ask the team to adjust. Fergie was similar. Jose is similar. Then there’s Arsène, who won’t adjust. There’s Brendan, who looks like he won’t adjust. There’s Manuel Pellegrini, who looks like he won’t adjust, even in the Champions League.
“Their philosophy is different to ours. Ours is more about who are we playing against. Their philosophy is more, ‘We always play this way’, and they won’t change, they carry doing on the same thing. That’s why you can beat them.”
Sam Allardyce, October 2014
Sam Allardyce is no stranger to talking up his own abilities; in a fairer world where ‘good football men’ are rewarded for their determination, passion and persistence he would be the man sending Cristiano Ronaldo out every week to break record after record in the Santiago Bernabéu Stadium.
Instead he’s leading the Andy Carroll renaissance and has propelled West Ham United to third place in the league amidst their best ever start to a Premier League season. Continue reading
Elko Born considers the apparent need for more passion from certain football managers…
As someone who grew up outside of Britain, some of the convictions and norms of a lot of Premier League spectators simultaneously amuse and confuse me.
Take your average British fan’s tendency to automatically question the qualities of any footballer who has ever played in the Dutch Eredivisie. Because Afonso Alves was bad when he played for Middlesbrough, the reasoning seems to go, every former Eredivisie footballer ever will always fail in the Premier League.
Recently, some Manchester United fans have started taking offence to manager Louis van Gaal’s touchline antics, or lack thereof. If Twitter is to be believed, anyway.
Van Gaal needs to get off his arse, these critics make known. How can he expect to be a good manager when he’s sitting in the dugout all the time? He needs to go and stand near the touchline so he can effectively shout at the footballers. Continue reading