The False Nine take on the BBC Premier League predictor


The Premier League kicks off tomorrow, and in preparation for the new season the TFN crew have taken to the BBC Premier League predictor to try guesstimate how the league table will look come May 2014…

With each entry completed by a different writer, with different methods and bias galore, we’re hoping the wisdom of the crowds will help us out to divine a more balanced final conclusion, even if our sample size is against us.

After reading through the tables and reasoning (or apologies) of each writer, scroll down to the end of the piece for a meta-table created using the average points collected by each club based on our individual predictions.

Our results may not be entirely accurate, or even intentional in some cases, but we at least hope they’re entertaining, and if you fancy having a go on the BBC predictor, feel free to send over your table to to help inform our final results!

Without further ado, let the anomalies and prediction catastrophes commence…  Continue reading

The TFN Alternative Season Preview

Surreal football

James Dutton and David Wild offer up an alternative vision of the season ahead. Expect surrealism, silliness and absurdities in The False Nine’s very alternative season preview…


In the now customary curtain-raiser to the new season, the Community Shield is fought over by the two trophy winning powerhouses of David Moyes and Owen Coyle, now in charge of Manchester United and Wigan Athletic respectively. Having taken the unorthodox tactical decision to don trousers for the occasion, Coyle’s men are the surprise winners. Having inspired his new side to a comfortable 2-0 victory, the former Bolton and Burnley manager tells the press that his sights are fixed firmly on a triumphant Europa League run, “I was born to manage Wigan Athletic, and I was born to beat the likes of Asteras Tripolis and Hapoel Ramat Gan.” Continue reading