Andros Townsend scores against Italy: 5 things that (may or may not have) happened

After the unthinkable happened and Andros Townsend scored against Italy, Joe Devine looks at 5 things that may or may not have happened…

Andros Townsend Saves England Again

In the biggest news of the week, Andros Townsend once again, single-handedly saved our proud island from those murky foreigners on the mainland. Thousands of adoring fans spoke out about their love for the young journeyman; with many praising Roy Hodgson’s staying faith in the Tottenham midfielder. Townsend himself was delighted to be the centre of attention and professed his glee that a team so mediocre existed as to allow any scraps of burgeoning spotlight to be on him and him alone. Amidst all the glory of a one-all draw with Italy, not even Townsend’s “I was here first” jive, directed at Harry Kane, was enough to dampen the spirits. 

Andros Townsend Silences Critics

Tottenham midfielder Andros Townsend is being investigated in association with a string of ruthless murders. Professional football pundits Paul Merson, Phil Neville and Martin Keown were all discovered decapitated and disembowelled in their homes on Wednesday morning. Each had publicly criticised the England player and newspaper cuttings of their criticisms were found littered around the bodies. Townsend insists he did nothing and only that the men “had it coming”. He is currently being held at a police station in North London, though it is thought that he will be released this afternoon for an unorthodox, early knighting ceremony.

Andros Townsend Officially Better Than Kane

Good news for Andros Townsend fans, bad news for England fans, it turns out that the Tottenham midfielder is officially better than the Tottenham Striker. What’s that you say? How are you supposed to know who is who from that ambiguous line? Well, quite – given that England’s lion/hero/legend was the only player to score against the Italian bastards, you’d be forgiven for confusing the two. Fans had flocked in their thousands to watch Harry Kane break the England scoring record in Turin, but in a snarling twist of fate, England supporters were instead treated to a superb/fabulous/unbelievable goal from Townsend. After the game, the statistic collation organisation Opta announced that Andros Townsend was now officially better than Harry Kane, and that Harry Kane should probably just fuck off.

Andros Townsend Wins General Election

Though the masses were largely focused on the race between the Labour Party and the Conservative Party, the BBC have announced the Andros Townsend has officially won the general election 2015. Political analysts around the world are clamouring in deep debate concerning the outcome, with many completely baffled as to how this could even have happened. At a time in which the simple notion of a majority party government is laughable, how could an individual manage to claim Parliament? As the experts bickered, Andros Townsend himself was more than keen to comment on the outcome, stating that “people are tired of politicians, spin doctors and tacticians. People want honest, direct, English pace. Sure, I don’t know much about national economics, but I think in late March in Turin, I made my stance in Europe clear. People are tired of tiki-taka politics, so I’m delighted with this opportunity to cleanse the nation of nay-sayers. Myself and my deputy Tim Sherwood will drag this nation back to glory.”

Andros Townsend Deleted In Glitch

Thousands of fans have gathered outside Wembley this morning to mourn for England player Andros Townsend, who was accidentally deleted due to a glitch in the England team software. Manufacturers have since apologised for the incident, though claim that Townsend’s software was often the cause of issue within the program, with one programmer calling him “an inconsistent, glitchy fucker”. Despite manufacturers claiming innocence on their part, The Guardian has learned that what was being described as “a glitch” was in fact a collision between two programs. Reports suggest that early Wednesday morning, the software coding Phil Jones idiotically clattered into the software coding Andros Townsend, causing an inelastic 3d collision. It is believed that Phil Jones is now faster, but stupider. Anonymous quotes from a programmer have confirmed this as truth, stating that, “Phil Jones’ continual existence is proof of inelastic collision. Nothing this stupid could have ever been created manually.”

@JM_Devine; @The_False_Nine

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