Steven Gerrard stamps on Ander Herrera: 5 things that (may or may not have) happened

It’s a Steven Gerrard themed 5 things from Joe Devine’s much celebrated weekly TFN column…

1. Gerrard Ups Anti

In a desperate attempt to be noticed, Steven Gerrard languidly trod on the leg of Spanish midfielder Ander Herrera during Sunday’s game between Liverpool and Manchester United. Gerrard had reportedly threatened to defecate on the touchline if Brendan Rogers refused to put him in the team at half time, so given no choice, the Liverpool manager conceded. After being sent off, Gerrard watched the remainder of the game in the dressing room, screaming “look at me!” at the television, before ignoring his team mates and going immediately to give a post-match interview with the nice TV people, his only real friends.

2. This Does Not Stomp.

Joined by his wife Alex, Steven visited the Ambassadors theatre in London’s West End last weekend to watch the fabulous performance of Stomp. The couple enjoyed themselves marvellously, though recent reports suggest that the Liverpool midfielder may have both entirely misunderstood the performance, and taken the wrong message.

3. America Sends Gerrard Back.

The internet exploded this morning when reports began circling that America had cancelled their lucrative contract with football player Steven Gerrard. Barack Obama was said to have thought “long and hard” about the situation, but late Sunday evening he arrived at the decision to cancel all American contracts with the Liverpool midfielder. A statement from the White House read as follows; “It is with great regret that we cancel Steven Gerrard from Americaland. We had great expectations for the player from Myrr’s Seaside, though sadly we will be asking Myrr to take him back.”.

4. Gerrard Stamps in All Alternate Universes

In the first ever recorded case of its kind, NASA revealed early on Monday morning that Steven Gerrard did indeed commit his wanton act of violent stupidity in every single possible alternate universe. Scientists are perplexed by this anomaly, given that in many of the alternate universes, Steven Gerrard is not a footballer, and in some he was never even born.

5. Gerrard Found Cowering By Cathedral

Reports have emerged suggesting that Steven Gerrard was found in the early hours of Monday morning, cowering on the roofs of Salisbury Cathedral. Rocking gently backwards and forwards, the Liverpool midfielder was heard to be repeating “I am here; and here is nowhere in particular”, a well known quote from William Golding’s The Spire. When approached, Gerrard sprang from his huddled position and started screaming Golding’s name, with increasing ferocity. Artists and literary academics alike are calling this “the greatest visualisation of Golding’s themes of insignificance since Paris Hilton killed a singular ant in the world’s biggest ant farm. “His manual of heaven and hell lay open before me, and I could perceive my nothingness in this scheme.”

@JM_Devine; @The_False_Nine

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