Premier League Gameweek 29: 5 things that (may or may not have) happened

Joe Devine’s 5 things in the Premier League this weekend include Gus Poyet’s lucrative new contract and an uncharacteristic slip of the tongue from Nice Guy Nigel Pearson…

Gus Poyet Handed Long Term Contract

After a fabulous season at the helm of big Premier League giants Sunderland, boss-man and all round good guy Gus Poyet has been awarded a new long term contract, with a greatly improved salary. The contract was announced whilst Poyet was live on BBC television, and the delighted Uruguayan basked in the glory of success. Apparently the contract is for 18 years, and included was a hand-written card, signed by all the board members, thanking Poyet personally for his amazing job this year.

Van Gaal Goes Mad for Rats

Manchester United manager, Louis Van Gaal, spent the week telling anyone who would listen that they were in “a rat race”. The Dutchman apparently discovered the 2001 Jerry Zucker film “Rat Race” in which Cuba Gooding Jr, Whoopi Goldberg and Rowan Atkinson rush through a troublesome and boring race for the money (the film was about racing too). Upon seeing the film, Van Gaal quickly adopted the “you’re in a rat race” catchphrase, and has since been unable to stop saying it. Luckily, Wayne Rooney delivered a powerful, emotive speech to his team mates, who subsequently decided to stop pissing around and play a good game of football.

Wayne Rooney K.O.

Wayne Rooney invited friends round to his house last week for a good old spout of boxing. Phil Bardsley punched Rooney and K.O’d him within moments of the fight beginning. Another one of Wayne Rooney’s friends filmed the affair and sold the video to a national newspaper. This all actually happened.

Delia Smith Becomes Celtic Manager

Big news from Scotland this week; Delia Smith became the new manager of Celtic. Reportedly a number of bets have been placed on unexpected managerial prospects for the Scottish club, with bookies saying that it’s so easy to manage Celtic these days that anyone can do it. Despite her lack of managerial experience, Smith’s odds of success in the SPL are disappointingly only 1/1. Here’s hoping the Norwich owner can cook up some Scottish success [insert baking pun], [insert frying pun], [insert glazing pun], [insert yeast pun]……

Completely Normal & Nice Pearson Loses Cool

In a story that’s shocked many all around the world, Nigel Pearson has lost his cool with a reporter. That’s right, Foxes Boss Pearson apparently swore under his breath during a press conference when a reporter asked some legitimate questions about Leicester’s position right at the bottom of the league. Many fans of football have been voicing their dismay on social media, with some saying “I can’t believe Nigel Pearson. He’s literally never done anything bad before”, “We read about Pearson this morning and we’re so shocked! Who’d have thought he was weird or scary?!”, “I used to live next door to Nigel Pearson and apart from that time he killed my dog he was always so nice. Surprised and disappointed.”.

@IllustratedGame; @The_False_Nine

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