FA Cup Quarter Finals: 5 things that (may or may not have) happened

Joe Devine returns to discuss five things that may or may not have happened in the FA Cup this weekend…

1. Bradford’s Pitch Has More Craters Than Moon

According to reports, the Valley Parade pitch has more craters in it than the surface of the moon. Reading manager and amateur astronomer Steve Clarke told reporters on Saturday morning “I’ve had a look at the pitch, and, I’m not a moon ‘expert’, but I’m probably a moon ‘specialist’, and I think there’s more craters here.” Concerned for his players, Steve Clarke requested the assistance of fellow moon fan Nigel Pearson. After a short examination of the pitch, Nigel told reporters “I can look after myself”, before donning his NASA cap and sprinting off into a nearby growth of bushes. 

2. Brendan Rogers Officially Bad Again

After a lengthy spell of being good, and a brief spell of being “Jesus” good, Brendan Rogers has reportedly become bad once again. Initial speculation came during Liverpool’s match up with Blackburn on Sunday, and the first confirmation came upon the final whistle. Our reporter spoke to some Liverpool fans outside Anfield after the game, here’s what they had to say: “I don’t know why he’s gone bad again. He was good for a while, then he was really good and we were thinking ‘oh wow, he’s Jesus good’, you know? But now he just seems to have gone bad again and I’m worried about when he might be getting good again, you know?”

3. Meanwhile, in Manchester.

We asked some Manchester United fans for their appraisal of boss Louis Van Gaal, in light of some recent bad performances. “He’s just great, we love him. I don’t know what’s wrong with the players at the moment, they must not be listening to him or something because some of them are playing really badly. Van Gaal should probably get rid of some. Sell Di Maria? Yeah why not, he’s not been great. I’m sure Van Gaal will get someone else better in. Or maybe just play himself.” Somewhere, Rafa Benitez whispers “perspective”, before the diners slap him and send him to bring back more wine. 

4. Lionel Messi hat-trick.

Lionel Messi recorded his 24th career hat-trick against Rayo Vallecano at the weekend. Barcelona won the game 6-1 and finished the day at the top of the La Liga table. When asked about Messi’s performance, a Barcelona fan said “Yes, it’s nice to see him pulling cute little rabbits out of a hat, but I wish he’d score more goals”. Another said “I don’t have the patience for jokes that bad, but I suppose when there’s not much football you’ve got to do what you’ve got to do”. 

5. Sepp Blatter Gets Erection.

It was International Women’s Day on Sunday, and one of the prominent female voices to speak out was that of Abby Wambach, United States international striker. Wambach discussed the state of the game and called for FIFA to do more for women. Upon hearing this, Sepp Blatter reportedly achieved his first erection in 132 years. At the time he was lying face down on his “corruption fun-time” desk, and the blood rushing to his penis forced his body sideways and onto his famous “I’m a massive dick” carpet. Sepp maintained the erection for a reported 13 seconds before realising that Wambach was talking about women’s football, at which point he became disinterested and called the Qatari football minister to check on the death count, before striking another notch into his “I’m the worst person that’s ever lived” bedpost.

@IllustratedGame; @The_False_Nine

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