Joe Devine returns to discuss five things that may or may not have happened in the Premier League this weekend…
1. Nigel Pearson Looked After Himself
Unconfirmed reports on Saturday afternoon that Nigel Pearson was – at times – unattended over the weekend. As panic swept the nation, thousands flocked towards Leicester in what is now being described as the ‘Pearson Pilgrimage’. A spokesperson for National Rail described the event as a crisis after several trains were cancelled due to overcrowding. Witnesses described the crowds as “hoards of sensible adults” all terrified for the safety of the Leicester City boss. A new theory emerging this morning suggests that Pearson’s supposed firing was a board-organised rouse to deter worried adults from the doors of the training grounds. Nigel Pearson is scheduled to appear at a news conference on Monday at 2pm and the early word is that he will be hand-holding with another adult. The nation can relax at last.
2. Richard Dunne Out Until May
New boy-likely, Tim Sherwood, made an effort to introduce himself to the QPR players over the weekend, as speculation continues to link him to the vacant manager position. All reportedly went well until Sherwood reached the house of Richard Dunne, who was not home. When asked how long he would be away for, Mrs Dunne replied “he’s out until May”, much to Sherwood’s dismay. Timmy then left thinking that this bit ended up being really poor, but that it happens sometimes and not to linger on it.
3. Allardyce Discusses His Long Balls
Vomit filled the waste-paper baskets of the West Ham press room late Sunday afternoon as Sam Allardyce relentlessly went on about his long balls. Given the nature of the old man anatomy, the news of his balls was not a surprise, however, many have since suggested that it’s perhaps not newsworthy information. In the form of a poorly designed dig directed towards Van Gaal and Manchester United, Allardyce was quoted to have said “they weren’t as long as my balls” and “stick it in the box, that’s what she said … I’ve got long balls”.
4. Harry Kane in Self Immolation
After pictures of a young, Arsenal-shirted Harry Kane flooded the internet after the North London derby on Saturday, a new report emerged suggesting a dark back story. Kane’s mother, speaking to a Sunday tabloid, told of Harry’s teenage days in the ‘Cockrel Cult’, a group of uber-Spurs fans, dedicated to being all Spursy and stuff. Mrs Kane told reporters that on the day in question, young Harry was wearing an Arsenal shirt as he intended to set himself on fire, as a calculated insult directed at the Gunners. Luckily, the ghost of Jimmy Grieves appeared to Kane and deterred the youngster from the act of self-immolation. Then a whole host of ex-Spurs legend ghosts arrived including John Bostok, Clive Allen and Steve Perrymen (some of whom were not even dead at the time), and danced in a circle around Kane, anointing him savour of England. Some journalists have since suggested that Kane was probably just an Arsenal fan, though that’s obviously ridiculous.
5. Van Gaal Praises “Fantastic” Spirit
As journalists clamoured around the Dutchman on Sunday to get his thoughts after a poor performance at West Ham, Louis Van Gaal spoke little of the game, instead preferring to discuss his new best friend, the fantastic spirit. Van Gaal said that the spirit had been following him from a distance for some weeks, though had only just revealed itself fully to him in the recent days. The two had since discussed philosophy, art and passion, danced gleefully in the moonlight and watched a Studio Ghibli marathon together. Van Gaal also said he thought his team were total shite and all deserved to be dropped.