Joe Devine returns to look at 5 things that may or may not have happened over the recent Premier League game week…
1. Liverpool Regain Identity
In the midsts of the celebrations after Liverpool’s jubilant 0-2 win over Aston Villa on Saturday, Brendan Rogers revealed that the club have finally “regained” their identity”. Liverpool fans will be pleased to hear that control of the club has returned to the right hands, though some might be confused as to why they knew nothing of the fraud in the first place. Few details have been revealed as to who may have stolen the Merseyside club’s identity, though early reports are suggesting that North Korea might be involved. Life-long Steven Gerrard fan Kim Jong-Un was rumoured to have offered the Liverpool captain a lucrative offer to coach Pyongyang F.C. The offer was declined and some tabloid journalists have speculated that the recent identity theft might be an act of furious revenge. The broadsheets pooh-pooh this theory, however, and according to The Guardian “£117m worth of average players collected over the summer clearly suggests that this identity theft might well have been going on for longer than most initially imagined”.
2. Wenger Disgusted With Lack of Possession
Despite leaving the Etihad on Sunday with 3 points after their 0-2 victory over Champions Manchester City, Arsenal boss Arsene Wenger privately bemoaned his players’ lack of possession and attacking flair. In a dressing room speech in which the Frenchman told his players he’d rather “be a dead donkey than kick a dead donkey”, Arsene Wenger allegedly beat Santi Carzorla furiously around the back of the head before storming out chanting Kant’s Principles of Aesthetic Excellence. The False Nine newsroom is reliably informed that “heads will roll” should Arsenal defy their aesthetic responsibilities in the name of winning ever again.
3. Thousands Involuntarily Ejaculate as Henry Takes To Punditry
Despite the litter of fabulous football, it wasn’t only on-pitch action that entertained last weekend. Sunday saw retired French striker and ex-Arsenal elite Thierry Henry take Sky’s £4m p/a pay check in pocket and poetically pundit the fuck out of the Gunner’s clash with City. Speaking to local press sources late Sunday evening, Islington Council described what they called a “river of ejaculate” gushing down Upper Street moments after the climax of Henry’s on screen début. Troubled residents insisted the mass ejaculations were involuntary and reported feeling violated and scared. One resident described his experience as being “Thierried” before grabbing his crotch and running away. Early Monday morning Henry took to BBC Breakfast to apologise for any inconvenience caused on his part but the interview had to be cut short as another river began to form around the Holloway Road area.
4. Borini Tries to Bite Hand Off
Alongside Liverpool’s exposed identity theft, post-game interviews from Saturday’s tie with Aston Villa brought about a shocking revelation concerning the Reds striker Fabio Borini. When questioned over his unsual goal celebration Borini told reporters that he had attempted to bite his own hand off. In an interview in which he stated that his decision to stay at Liverpool was the best decision that he had ever made himself in an entire life of making his own decisions and not having anyone else ever make them for him, Borini also revealed an enormous self-admiration for his current game. “Biting my hand off was a gesture to indicate how well I feel I am playing currently. I’m not a goalkeeper as you know, so I do not need my hands. Football is clearly only supposed to be played with feet, so again, I don’t need my hands. That’s why I thought I’d bite it off.” When confused reporters questioned him with increased concern he shoved his injured hand back in his mouth and began bleating out stifled screams. Liverpool medics later told reporters that despite swallowing a lot of his own blood, Borini would be okay.
5. Ginola Accidentally Sells Soul
In some of the more shocking news from last week it emerged that notable Frenchman David Ginola is to run for FIFA presidency in May, supported by a super lad-friendly betting company. Whilst smiling and football are certainly strong suits for the ex-Tottenham great, it would seem that understanding contractual agreements is not. The deal which saw the initial £250,000 FIFA entrance fee paid for by the betting company also enclosed a clause entitling the company to Ginola’s soul, a publicity stunt stipulation and a “bend me over whenever the fuck you want” agreement, all signed and delivered by Ginola himself. To say the least, this stunt makes a mockery of an otherwise entirely reputable organisation and … oh wait. I suppose it does, however, say a lot about the state of modern football, that this sensationally capitalist jive is seen as a legitimate alternative to the current establishment.