Premier League Gameweek 21: 5 Things That (May or May Not Have) Happened

Joe Devine returns after a much-needed Christmas and New Year break to look at five things that may or may not have happened last week…

1. Steve Bruce Misinterprets Law

Ah, Steve Bruce. Everyone’s favourite pretend uncle Steve Bruce. He was my pretend uncle, a solid one at that. Always telling me it was going to be okay, and I loved it. That was of course before he questioned the conviction of rapist Ched Evans. Steve Bruce made a number of mistakes last week. First, he mistook “evidence” for what was clearly his late night reading of Ched Evans’ super fan site. Second, he accidentally, fleetingly, momentarily misunderstood the meaning of rape. And finally, he opened his big stupid mouth. Not only does Steve Bruce not know what “a rape” is, he is also guilty of thinking that “arson” was the crime of being a perennial underachiever.

2. Lionel Messi Completely Faultless

Rumours were flying last week that the godly Lionel Messi was unsettled at Barcelona. A supposed rift between Messi and Barcelona coach Luis Enrique had all the papers hailing the giant’s departure from the Catalan club. Messi spoke to the media after Barcelona’s 3-0 win over Atletico Madrid on Sunday evening, announcing that he would not be leaving the club. “I’m tired of all the things that people have been saying.” said Messi “People say these things because they want to cause us harm. We must be united.” Messi was sure to make it clear that this whole situation was as a result of pesky media types and jovial journalists. It had, of course, absolutely nothing to do with his calculated social media movement, his obvious displeasure with the coach and his likely jockeying for an improved contract.

3. Falcao Went to St Mary’s

Fans and pundits were surprised on Sunday to see Manchester United had named an 18-man squad without the name ‘Radamel Falcao’. The Colombian striker has recently increased his minute outlay after an injury-plagued 2014, and many fans expected to see his name next to Van Persie’s in the starting XI. Despite Van Gaal telling the media something stupid like “there wasn’t space in the squad for our £50m striker”, unconfirmed reports surfaced late last night suggesting that the striker was seen arriving at St Mary’s instead of Old Trafford. The Manchester United Twitter account quickly refuted the claims saying: “Nobody would be stupid enough to go to the wrong ground. The truth is we let out our £50m striker because there wasn’t space in the squad.” Yes, that’s much less stupid, and therefore likely the truth.

4. Pardew Caught in “Orgy of Love” with Palace Fans

In the late hours of Saturday night, during the celebration of Crystal Palace’s win over Spurs, Alan Pardew was photographed in an “Orgy of Love” with over 47 Palace fans. Reportedly intoxicated, Pardew was heard to say he was “overcome with emotion” and “brimming with hot love”. Clearly, it’s been so long since Alan Pardew has experienced such feelings, the man seems to have become mildly confused. Described as an “Orgy of Love” by Palace fan and orgy participant Derrick Hamilton, the gang are believed to have begun the love making process at the Caravan Club at Crystal Palace Parade. How long the love will last we don’t know, but what’s certain is that for the time being, Alan Pardew is spilling love on almost everyone.

5. Zigic Confused as Fox News Reveals Birmingham as “All Muslim City”

Nikola Zigic reportedly became “extremely confused” last week after Fox News reporter Steven Emerson revealed that Birmingham was an “all Muslim city”. According to one source, upon hearing the news, Zigic “stared blankly” for some time before asking passers-by if he was Muslim and then “running down the street shouting his own name loudly”. Not only were the citizens of Birmingham (43% of which are Christian) mildly amused by this comment, Fox News were angered that the reporting of this mistake included the word “Muslim” used correctly, as opposed to the Fox News preferred spelling “Moslem”, as incorrectly used by owner Rupert Murdoch in his latest racist tweeting outrage. Passers by managed to calm Zigic down before informing him that the life he remembered had actually happened and that Fox News were just really, really stupid.

@IllustratedGame; @The_False_Nine

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