Premier League Gameweek 17: 5 things that (may or may not have) happened this weekend

Joe Devine’s weekly look at the Premier League weekend that was returns once again…

1. Liverpool turn another corner

Yes, Liverpool have once more turned a corner in a bid to arrive at a destination of some kind, presumably. With more twists and turns than the labyrinth, Liverpool’s season hasn’t got off to the best start. But with their last minute goal against Arsenal, and another 1 point claimed at home, Brendan Rogers has continued in his trend of describing every Liverpool game as a “turning point”. Leading British betting sites now have Liverpool odds on to reach the Triwizard’s cup should they turn yet another corner (they will also have The False Nine up against the court for crimes against Jokesmithery if they allow another Harry Potter joke to be published on their football website. You definitely could’ve said a Minotaur).

2. Manchester United to get bail

Manchester United are set to continue their mega spending-spree in January by getting bail. Arrested for the inability to think of anything better than simple word play, Manchester United were publicly jailed earlier this month. Despite claims that a lowly, comically desperate writer could be the culprit, the club took the blame and will be paying £90m for bail before their hearing in May. Making a statement earlier this week, the club said “it’s hard when not much happens”. It is likely that this case will be escalated to a European court as of next year.

3. “Austin is going nowhere” claims Redknapp

After his recent trip to Texas, Harry Redknapp sparks further discussion concerning his mental health by stating that “Austin is going nowhere”. Previously under the impression that the city would be relocating to the moon, Redknapp happily confirmed that one of his favourite holiday destinations would be staying put, despite what that pink dragon had told him. It wasn’t only Redknapp that was pleased to hear this news, many residents of Austin, TX were pleased with the confirmation that their home wasn’t moving. Amongst the happy residents was Roland Swenson, founder of the South by South-West music festival, who was initially worried by reports of the relocation, suggesting that a name and area change would likely hurt ticket sales for next years festival. In similar news, however, West Ham will be moving to Stratford, much to the distress of the citizens.

4. Glenn Hoddle dies and returns as wheelchair

In highly ironic circumstances, news emerged on Saturday that Glen Hoddle had sadly died and returned as a wheelchair. On Saturday morning, Hoddle was found having slipped off into a seemingly everlasting sleep, parked in front of his favourite Greggs in Shepherds Bush. The post-mortem revealed the cause of death to be a series of diseases known as ‘time-biding’, ‘public favour currying’ and the terminal ‘people don’t forget’. It was, however, only two hours before a disgruntled car-park assistant at a hospital in Skegness found a wheelchair in a ditch the spitting image of old Glen. DNA samples were taken and confirmation followed shortly afterwards that the wheelchair was indeed the reincarnation of Glen Hoddle. The chair Hoddle was immediatley put to use ferrying disabled people around the hospital. It should also be mentioned that they were all disabled only because they’d been Glenn Hoddle in a previous life.

5. 10 man Villa frustrate Manchester United

Manchester United’s recent holiday to Portugal was made unpleasant by the team’s arrival at a ’10 man villa’, after they specifically requested 11 bedrooms. Staying about a 15 minute drive from Lagos, club captain Wayne Rooney spent 25 minutes on the phone to the travel agent before revealing to the boys that it was too last minute to change the place, and that two people were going to have to room. Phil Jones pulled the first short straw, but since nobody wanted to sleep with him everyone picked again. The process repeated three times before Falcao realised it wasn’t worth it and left.

@IllustratedGame; @The_False_Nine

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