Hypothetical XI #26: The Avengers Age Of Ultron Clasico

TFN debutant and La Liga expert, Muhammad aka MochineGun, goes all Nick Fury on us as he tries to put together a super-powered team to take down Cristiano Ronaldo this weekend…

Yesterday, the internet awoke to something pretty special. After a nefarious leak, Marvel decided to bless us with an early release of the full HD teaser trailer for next summer’s blockbuster Avengers: Age of Ultron.

The trailer itself was pretty great, but there was something striking about the opening line from Ultron: “I’m gonna show you something beautiful. Everyone screaming, for mercy.” Musa Okwonga was the first to make the link.

Yes! Those scenes of mass destruction at the hands of a super being: that was Anfield on Wednesday night. It was Cristiano Ronaldo who led the way in Real Madrid’s 3-0 decimation of Liverpool with a beautiful goal that, well, had the Kop screaming for mercy before they applauded him from the field.

Cristiano is ruthless right now, destroying opponent after opponent. In fact in many ways he is just like Ultron; angry at the world for not appreciating him enough, thus he’s out to remind them all how brutally brilliant he is. In the film, The Avengers will try and stop Ultron, but who can stop Cristiano Ronaldo here in real-life? What’s that, El Clasico is on Saturday? A star-studded showdown where Cristiano’s Real Madrid take on Barcelona; a team of superheroes that just a few years ago delighted and thrilled us much like The Avengers? Well there’s only one thing for this then: a Hypothetical Age Of Ultron XI!

Cristiano Ronaldo is ULTRON

An engine of pure destruction. “What is he made of?” you ask yourself as he terrorises yet another helpless opponent. So fast you’d swear there’s more than one of him. So strong and accurate you are SURE he’s a machine, but despite his inhuman physical perfection, his emotions betray him as all too flawed, all too human. People have tried to control him, constrain him to tactical roles, but when Sir Alex Ferguson & Carlo Ancelotti just let him be free, they each won a European Cup. Now more than ever, there are no strings on him, and he’s ready to cut loose on Barcelona.

And opposing him, FC Barcelona are THE AVENGERS

GK – Claudio Bravo is MARIA HILL

An underrated presence, quietly going about their business in the background and allowing others to shine. Bravo has yet to concede a goal this season, a record he’s achieved by careful organisation and planning; making him the ideal #2 just like Maria Hill, keeping everything ticking over nicely.

RB – Dani Alves is SCARLET WITCH

We tend to take reality as it appears to us. The sky is blue, water is wet, playing fullback is simple: you defend, and when you attack, you overlap for width. Dani Alves bends reality because he’s a fullback that plays inside as well as out, who plays midfield as much wing, who participates in literally every phase of the game exchanging short-passes like the best of central midfielders. He can appear unhinged at times, unstable even, but keep an eye on him because there is literally no telling what he’ll do. No one warps reality and perception like the Scarlet Witch, except maybe Dani Alves.

LB – Jordi Alba is QUICKSILVER

Sometimes the only solution to a problem is speed. Jordi Alba is speed. Sometimes it almost seems like he’s playing for the bad guys, almost helping them in their quest, but in the end he’ll always be there for you, quick as a flash.

CB – Gerard Piqué is TONY STARK aka IRON MAN

Cocky, arrogant, self-obsessed, born into a wealthy family of influence, talented, good-looking, charismatic, sometimes loved, sometimes hated, but always in the news. He’s a constant topic of discussion, you couldn’t ignore him if you tried. Is he a force for good or simply an Objectivist fantasy? Do his positive attributes outweigh his negatives? Can he save the people from Ultron or will he fall to the power of his cyborg enemy? Gerard Piqué is Tony Stark and the Barcelona kit is his Iron Man armour.

CB – Jérémy Mathieu is WAR MACHINE

You may not see much of this powerhouse, but no one really knows why. Every time he steps forward to make his presence felt, you are surprised by how much you enjoy watching him kick ass and ask yourself why he’s not being featured more. Mathieu is the perfect fit for War Machine, let’s see if Barça have the sense to use him more than Marvel are doing.

DM – Sergi Busquets is THE VISION

Do you even know what he does? What he can do? Sure you’ve heard he did some pretty strange things once, but do you know why he does them? He feels protective of his fellow Avengers, he’s looking out for them, doing the things they perhaps can’t do. You can press him for more, but he’s likely to simply phase through you, as if you’re not even there. You couldn’t touch him even with a hundred men, he’d find a way out and then drive his team-mates forward to victory.

CM – Xavi is HAWKEYE

Repeatedly underrated because he lacks the extravagance of his team-mates, but please be assured this is someone you do NOT want to mess with. Threading the eye of the needle is child’s play for this marksman. For a man this precise, you’d expect he’d be boring, but actually he’s hilarious. For his sarcasm and accuracy, Xavi is the perfect Hawkeye.

CM – Andrés Iniesta is CAPTAIN AMERICA

Well this guy is boring, right? I mean he’s obviously operating on a higher level of agility than normal people, but he’s so righteous! It’s annoying to some, but others see his polite honesty as the marker of a truly good person. Also, you may not realise it, but he’s actually quite a badass. If you ever find yourself in a scrape against, say, Ultron… you want this guy on your side, leading the way.

AM – Lionel Messi is THOR

He may not be a God, but he is certainly not of this planet. Sometimes you watch him in action and wonder “just how strong is he?” and the answer to that is “as strong he needs to be” – there is no way to measure just how powerful he is, probably because there is no upper-limit to his ability. He can rise to any challenge set before him while making the magnificent seem mundane because he does it so easily. He is an absolute phenomenon, and if anything in football warrants comparisons to Mjolnir, it’s Lionel Messi’s left-foot; he can do anything with it.

ST – Neymar is BLACK WIDOW

Many people laughed when this person joined, they thought the higher-ups were going for the easy marketing bucks, trying to lure in the teens with some swagger and sex appeal. They were wrong. They were so wrong. Sure, the swagger and sex appeal is front and centre, you can’t ignore it, but while you’re focused on that there’s a boot swinging around that’s about to break you in half. This is not benevolent eye-candy, this is a bonafide ass-kicker who’s far more popular than anyone could have imagined. Neymar? Black Widow? One and the same.

ST – Luis Suárez is THE HULK

Here’s a lovely well-intentioned boy who just wants to do right by the world and be with the love of his life, but whenever he loses his cool he turns into a massive rampaging thundercunt. Yeah, he’s done some good things, and I’m sure he’ll do some more, but he’s trouble and everyone knows it. A villain as smart as Ultron will know that if his buttons are pushed he will become as big a problem for his team-mates as the opponents. But oh my, if he can control his rage, get out of the way because he will smash The Avengers all the way to victory. Just don’t make him angry, you wouldn’t like him when he’s angry.

@MochineGun; @The_False_Nine

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