Gazprom Announced As New Official Sponsor of Crimea

TFN’s Dave Wild with some breaking news from the East…

Following lengthy discussions between Vladimir Putin and Sepp Blatter today, it has been annouced that Gazprom are to become the new official sponsors of Crimea, ushering in an ‘unprecedented era of content, nostalgic prosperity’ in ‘The Champions Peninsula’

Of course, Gazprom was the first to approach us with a proposal,” said Crimea’s first deputy prime minister Rustam Temirgaliev, his eyes fixated on the peaceful landscape projected onto his telescreen every morning at 08:15.

The room smelled sweet as the freshly installed Gazprom air filtration unit began it’s routine ‘oxygen improvement’ cycle. “You just have to understand what this means to us. Crimea re-joining Russia is like Rangers coming back to the SPL. It is by far better to be part of a bigger and stable collective”

Similar sentiments were to be found throughout the region. Locals could be found swimming with frolicking dolphins in Sevastopol’s Cossack Bay, shrieking with joy in their support for Gazprom’s backing.

Ukrainian nationalist Darth Vader flanked by his loyal Gaztroopers took to the stands to proclaim his loyalty for the new regime “We alone can make an empire out of a republic, to restore former glory, to return lost territories and pride for this country,”

The Ukrainian Internet party’s Darth Vader addresses a party congress in Kiev

When asked by Guardian sports writers what the implications were for Ukrainian teams outside of the peninsula the Gazprom Hive Mind remarked:

‘We’re proud of this sponsorship arrangement which we believe to be the first step towards the United Championship, that Gazprom has always dreamed of. None should worry, we’re all on the same side really’

before devouring the group of journalists, converting them into natural gas in its tracheal vents.

The motto of Gazprom’s own grass roots football system; a system which now incorporates the likes of Red Star Belgrade, Schalke 04, Deportivo Tachira, Russian side Zenit as well as new flagship team Tavriya Simferopol, can be seen on the walls of their executive offices in Moscow.

“Promoting children’s sports is a priority of Gazprom’s social policy. Football is popular all over the world. Teenagers will learn to cooperate and respect each other by playing football, and regular exercises will give them strength for future victories.”

Alongside the inscription, a long vaunted corridor stretches down as far as the eye can see, old pictures of past glories lining the walls. From Andrei Schevchenko in his Gazprom sponsored champions league victory of 2005 to Pele holding aloft the famed Aleksey Miller cup in 1970, even a photo of the 2018 Gazprom World Cup final between Russia and North Korea.

The announcement has not been met without its dissenters. A sharp yell shatters the peaceful haze in the Gazprom enhanced air as my eyes come to rest on the courtyard beneath me. “Gazprom is more valuable than Crimea!” shouts Mikhail Korchemkin, the executive director of East European Gas “this won’t work with Financial Fair Play Regulations, stop the madness, all hail Gazprom, all hail our Lord!”.

Commercial details of the deal are yet to be released however it is expected that part of the deal will involve Temirgaliev being joined in political coalition by newly approved party leader Andrei Arshavin.


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About David Wild

Your resident 'man on the sofa' David Wild has often been referred to as 'one of our writers' and 'a nice young man'. A keen analyst of both trivial, humourous and tactical aspects of the beautiful game, David has honed those skills of argument and insight that only the bosom of Boundary Park, mispent time in the pub and half a philosophy degree can bestow upon a man. An English and Philosophy Graduate of Leeds University 2012, David tweets, almost daily, nonsensical ramblings here

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