The TFN Fifa Personality Test

David Wild takes you through the FIFA Personality Test…

This is largely reposted from a blog piece that I wrote previously last October for The Daily Touch.

We have a theory here at TFN that FIFA brings out a lot of your inner personality. Gaming in general gives any person the medium to behave exactly as he wants in a world with relatively few consequences. Whether it’s GTA V, Fable or Fifa, where there’s an element of free roam there is going to be the opportunity for the game to bring out some of your innate virtues and unleash some of your inner demons.

Fifa’s relatively broad canvas of creativity and the variations in playing style and in-game behaviour that it gives us may bring with it that chance for us to finally live out our fooballing fantasies.

We can stamp an imprint of ourselves on play and behave as if we were the spoiled millionaire of our dreams. Not in as broad ranging a way as something like a souped up New Star Soccer would perhaps allow (EA Games please take note) but nevertheless the structured freedom of play gives us scope to get creative with how we go about things.

Bearing this in mind there are certain archetypal personality types that can be seen over and over again in the Fifa world. Just as people can sometimes be seen as ‘introverted’ or ‘passionate’ in real life, so their Fifa personality can be dissected to reveal some interesting insights into their true character.

We invite you then, our loyal readers, to take our personality test and discover which of the Fifa personality types you think you best fits your own style. Be warned, we may not invite you to Fifa 14 release night if you reveal yourself as a number 5 or a number 7.

1. The Functionalist

Key habits: Football is to score goals; it’s a functional practice not an art. These people play the percentages; possession football and crossing the ball in. Professional fouls are a given. Annoyingly effective they are nevertheless the most boring people to play. Games often end 0-0 or 1-0 but they’ll tell you that the ends justify the means.

Real life reflection: The kind of person who will probably actually do quite well in life because of discipline and the appreciation of necessity. Still, you’re allowed to hate them for this while you doodle fire robots.

Typical goal celebration: The easiest recognisable celebration to perform. Usually the dead fish. Like their dead souls.

2. The Showboat

Key habits: Tricks flicks and being dicks; typified by the unnecessary Marseille roulette on the edge of their own box to show how much better at the game they are than you. Usually ending badly, this person tends to have a short temper when things don’t go well.

Real life reflection: The kind of guy who walks around the office with his headset on bragging about all the massive deals he’s currently brokering when everyone else has done 3 times as much as him sat at their desk… Yeah I kind of hate these guys.

Typical goal celebration: Bum wiggling samba dance, the Ali G hand flick, the Shhhhh

3.  The Defeatist

Key habits: These people tend to let conceding a goal suck the life out of their game like a Whitby limpet. They will start rushing passes, trying raking long balls and gradually realising a self fulfilling prophecy. That if you think you’re going to lose, you’re bound to lose

Real life reflection: Probably the kind of guy who doesn’t handle pressure that well. Try and avoid high stress situations with this person. Having to run to catch the bus is like having a hot knife plunged through the eye for them.

Typical goal celebration:  They haven’t scored any goals

4. The Hero

Key habits:  Into the breach comes the hero, charging in at the last to score the 40 yard solo goal or the 30 yard screamer. When the score is 0-0 in the 80th minute every run becomes the one that puts their name on the trophy.

Real life reflection: The guy who tries to put all his shopping in one bag even if it’s comprised entirely of two litre Coke bottles and soup tins. Because he’s the guy who can carry off that sort of thing…

Typical goal celebration: The moonwalk, the 5 foot knee slide.

5. The Blamer

Key habits: Be it a sticky controller, the internet lag, or the AI’s ineffective runs, nothing is their fault. It’s all the game’s.

Real life reflection: Maybe in real life the comparison isn’t as absolute as the kind of person who never accepts the consequences of their actions but these guys are definitely not ones to volunteer responsibility. Probably never did the washing up.

Typical goal celebration: Like the defeatist, goals aren’t as forthcoming, but usually similar to the showboat if they do.

6. The Gnat

Key habits: As the name suggest, their attention span was never really built for the 6 minute half format.

Real life reflection: Hey I was talking to you!

Typical goal celebration: Whatever they can remember or button-bash their way towards.

7. The Psychopath

Key habits: Throwing controllers, storming off mid game, keepy ups with the keeper, raking cross field passes from your own corner flag to the other. All in a day’s work for the psychopath.

Real life reflection: Don’t leave them with your kids.

Typical goal celebration: Even more ostentatious than the showboat, usually involving a 50 yard run across the pitch, arm windmilling like it’s caught in a cross gale.

8. The Ant Drone

Key habits: They may not have been great to start off with but slowly and surely, they’ll do the training drills, they’ll scrape a win at Ultimate Team and they will get damn good at this game. Like the functionalist but without the clear sense of purpose to begin with. They probably don’t realise they’re doing it, they’re just mildly obsessive.

Real life reflection: God loves a tryer.

Typical goal celebration: They will eventually know them all. Take your pick.

@D_A_Wild; @The_False_Nine

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About David Wild

Your resident 'man on the sofa' David Wild has often been referred to as 'one of our writers' and 'a nice young man'. A keen analyst of both trivial, humourous and tactical aspects of the beautiful game, David has honed those skills of argument and insight that only the bosom of Boundary Park, mispent time in the pub and half a philosophy degree can bestow upon a man. An English and Philosophy Graduate of Leeds University 2012, David tweets, almost daily, nonsensical ramblings here

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