Hypothetical XI #3 – The Viking XI


Josh Millar and Freddie Harding from Midfield Generals put forward their ‘Viking XI’ of Scandinavian players…

It’s a known fact that the scariest thing in the world is a big bastard with a beard running towards you before attempting to maim you with an axe. So why not put a team of them together and make them play football? Granted a lot of these players aren’t actually that nasty. But we think that there’s enough talent in this side to give some teams a spanking.

The countries that are included under the Viking label are Denmark, Norway, Sweden, Finland, Iceland and the Faroe Islands. We didn’t bother with the Faroe Islands. You might notice that we’ve excluded the second most famous Swede of all time after Ulrika Jonnson as well, but we don’t like Zlatan because he’s too much of an ego for our lovely team.

To give our Viking team a tactical edge, the manager is none other than Sven Goran Eriksson, if only to give Steve McClaren a job as his assistant. We went for a very attacking 3-4-3 diamond formation to go with the Viking motto: The best form of defence is attack and to grow fantastic beards. So here we have it, the Viking XI:

Goalkeeper: Peter Schmeichel – Denmark. The obvious choice, so we chose him. Easily one of the world’s greatest keepers, let alone in the Nordic nations. He even has a goal-scoring record on the international stage, so he’s already as good as Nicklas Bendtner.

Centre-Back: Sami Hyypia – Finland (Captain). One of the calmest players to ever play in defence, Hyypia has over a hundred caps for his country and is our choice for the captaincy.

Centre-Back: Olof Mellberg – Sweden. He has a big beard and had a fight with Freddie Ljungberg, what more do you want? One of his many honours includes the Intertoto Cup, so he’s a winner.

Centre-Back: Henning Berg – Norway. Completing the trio of massive defenders is BBB (Big Bald Bugger) Berg. He’s also the first player to win the Premier League at two different clubs. #lad

Right Midfield: Dennis Rommedahl – Denmark. Probably the least scary of all the Vikings but he’s really really really fast. Proper winger!

Spot the difference

Spot the difference

Defensive Midfielder : Thomas Gravesen – Denmark. Kaka, Zidane, Beckham……Gravesen. The Galacticos would have been nothing without the henchman in the middle. He got an impressive 66 caps for the Danes and it took everyone a good few years before realising he and Lee Carsley weren’t twin brothers at Everton.

Attacking Midfielder: Michael Laudrup – Denmark. He’s sexy, he’s good at football, he’s sexy, he plays sexy football, he has a sexy face, and did we mention his dapper choice of suits? Equally loved at Real Madrid and Barcelona, did we mention he’s well sexy?

Left Midfield: Brian Laudrup – Denmark. We love to get the family feel into the Viking XI, and the slightly less sexy Laudrup offers a good option on the wing and in front of goal.

The Laudrup Brothers

The Laudrup Brothers

Right Forward: Eidur Gudjohnsen – Iceland. Made his Icelandic debut by replacing his dad, and that’s pretty cool. He scored plenty of goals for Chelsea and Bolton, not so many for Stoke and Fulham, but nevertheless a decent option up front.

Centre Forward: John Carew – Norway. John Carew Carew… he’s bigger than me and you.. he’s gonna score one or two.. John Carew Carew. He actually scored a lot more than one or two and despite the fact he could no longer run when he arrived at Upton Park last season, he has a better international record than Solskjaer and formed a brilliant partnership with Pablo Aimar back in his Valencia days.

Left Forward: Henrik Larsson – Sweden. It’s a great shame that Henrik wasted so much of his career in the SPL but he still makes the team because unlike Zlatan he seems like a nice geezer. His loan spell at United proved he could have done it in the Prem as well.

Viking Subs and Honourable Mentions:

Antii Niemi – Finland: Couldn’t bring himself to get rid of his terrible bleached blonde hair.

Ole Gunnar Solskjaer – Norway: Left on the bench due to him being the ultimate supersub.

Jan Molby – Denmark: Would have made the starting XI but he was in the pie shop, could ping the ball onto a 2 pence piece from 60 yards.

Jan Molby

Jan Molby

Jari Litmanen – Finland: The top scorer for his country, played from the ’80s up until 2 years ago so he’s got stamina.

Daniel Agger – Denmark: One of many footballers with awful tattoo’s, but he has a monster left foot and is half of the hardest centre-back pairings in the Premier League.

Thomas Sorensen: Ever heard the term ‘too many Danes spoil the harmony of a made-up football team’? No neither have we but we needed an excuse not to include him.
John Arne Riise: Capable of releasing the Kraken at any time, would be an easy pick down the left if he hadn’t demanded a statue of himself in Norway (apparently), there are no egos in the Viking XI.
Jon Dahl Tomasson: With a goal nearly every other game for Denmark, Tomasson was nearly put in, but we prefer Litmanen.
Tore Andre Flo: The most expensive Norwegian footballer and three times retired, Flo was only pipped to the post by countryman Solskjaer.
Freddie Ljungberg: Would have been included but we didn’t want any funny business between him and Olof again….

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